Thing He Says:
But I’m a nice guy.
Thing She Says:
Are you a nice guy?
Are you friends with a girl who dates guys that don’t deserve her?
Are you her shoulder to cry on when these relationships end?
Do you go out of your way to do anything you can to help and make her happy?
If you said yes to these questions, then kudos! You just might be a nice guy!
Now ask yourself these questions:
Are you constantly friend zoned?
Do you hope against hope that one day she’ll realize you’re meant to be together?
That you’re her downtrodden knight in shining armor who will vanquish all the jerks?
If you said yes to these last questions, then you’re probably not a nice guy after all.
But I’m nice to her and she tells me that she values our relationship, so shouldn’t she want to be more than friends? you ask. I know you say you care about her, but this mentality is poisonous.
Some men expect sex when they buy women alcohol. When a guy expects a return on his investment—that the time or money he spends on the girl should correlate with admission to the party in her pants—then that makes a nice guy a not-so-nice guy.
So what’s a not-so-nice guy?
In my experience,
- A not-so-nice guy thinks he’s in the friend zone.
- Not-so-nice guys think nice guys finish last.
This week we’ll look at the not-so-nice guy’s place of residence: the friend zone.
Steppin’ into the Friend Zone
The friend zone. That painful purgatory. An exile of eros.
Coined by Friends character Joey Tribbiani to describe Ross Geller’s missed opportunity at becoming Rachel Green’s bae, the friend zone is the awkward situation wherein someone is infatuated/in love with someone who thinks of them as only a friend. From the brotherly Ryan Reynolds in Just Friends to Jorah Mormont and the Mother of Dragons, the friend zone is as pervasive as it is inescapable (Friends and Just Friends are bad examples, but generally those relegated to the friend zone often remain there). Though anyone can be friend zoned, not-so-nice guys often use the friend zone to rationalize why a woman isn’t interested in them. When someone is friend zoned, they tend to see themselves as the victims. But the truth is that no one should expect someone to be romantically interested in them because they’re treating the object of their unrequited love nicely.
To quote Salon, the friend zone “needs to die.” Why?
- “The friend zone perpetuates the myth that being “nice” doesn’t get you laid.” If a nice guy feels entitled to the girl who friend zones him, the girl is seen as a reward for simply being nice. Just because a guy is nice, that doesn’t mean the girl owes him anything. She doesn’t owe him sex or a legitimized relationship.
- “The friend zone perpetuates the idea that men and women can’t be friends without sex being a factor.” Why can’t men and women just be friends? I beg to differ with the old adage that we can’t ever platonically coexist.
- “The friend zone posits that sex is the ultimate end of any relationship.” Let’s just listen to the sages here.
Sometimes not-so-nice guys can’t handle rejection so they believe they’re being friend zoned. But sometimes people friend zone others in order to take advantage of them. Now if you’re the one, female or male, putting the person into the friend zone, then a word of advice: When friend zoners exploit the friend zonee to do anything for them, then that’s just as bad as the not-so-nice guy who thinks he’s being friend zoned. Don’t lead the person on. That’s not nice.
People (and friend zonees) aren’t stocks to be invested in, so don’t treat them as such.
Click here to read part 2: why the belief that “nice guys finish last” is harmful.