Thing He Says:
But I’m a nice guy.
Thing She Says:
If you said you’re a nice guy who’s constantly friend zoned, you should continue reading.
This week we look at another problematic belief of the not-so-nice guy: nice guys finish last.
“Nice Guys Finish Last”
A guy I met on a bus once said to me: “Girls don’t like me because I’m nice. They just like jerks.”
I’m not sure why he felt this way, but he actually wasn’t a nice person after all. Maybe it’s because he was from another country and American women were a foreign concept. Maybe it’s because he was an engineering major and felt unmarketable to the ladies (see nerdy guys). We had a good rapport so we decided to meet up, but he would leave me waiting late in the night in the cold only to get angry at me for calling him out on his BS and not sleeping with him.
Not only would a genuine nice guy NOT leave someone alone at any time of day in any type of weather, but a genuine nice guy wouldn’t condemn them for refusing sex. To respond to the notion that girls only like jerks while nice guys are unloved, Everyday Feminism states, “The belief that women like jerks contains hints of misogyny because it stems from the stereotype that women want to be dominated and controlled.” Violence against women (and rape culture) is rooted in this mentality and these actions of masculine aggressors—or jerks. If girls like jerks so much, then maybe you, Mr. Not-So-Nice Guy, might have a chance.
Not-so-nice guys are as widespread as manspreaders’ legs—on planes, trains, automobiles around the world—to such an extent that they are commonly referred to as Nice Guys™ (trademark included). In addition to the two beliefs of not-so-nice guys explored above, Nice Guys™ are seen as sexist for many other reasons:
- “Some Nice Guys™ consider themselves heroes for not raping women or hitting them.” With this mentality, any man who goes out of his way not to act out in violence against a woman is being nice. Well I’m sorry that you feel this way, but not raping doesn’t equal nice in my books, and barely being a decent human being doesn’t entitle you to someone’s body.
- “Some Nice Guys™ do not see themselves as guilty of sexual assault because they were very gentle with their non-consensual groping, and they equate sexual assault as only being violent and forceful.” A friend of mine always comments on my cleavage or lack thereof and asks if he can touch. Sometimes I say no, sometimes yes just to get him off my back. Boobs are just squishy pockets of fat after all. But when he doesn’t bring it up, he commends himself and says, “See, I was being nice today.” Writing about not-so-nice guys has made me realize that this behavior seems innocent on the surface, but is actually sexual assault, and that I’m encouraging his actions by saying yes.
- “That they are using a failed seduction strategy and need to learn or be taught to be alphas or seducers,” like pick-up artists. Let’s not forget about this guy who went on a killing rampage in 2014 because he “lived a life of pain and suffering” and rejection by the women he wanted sex and affection from.
- “Nice guys are nice for even noticing you.” This manipulative belief makes a woman seem like she’s inferior or insufficient, while the Nice Guy™ is superior.
Why is this important?
As Josh Greenberg found out this season on my favorite TV show, Man Seeking Woman, being a Nice Guy™ isn’t that nice. When Josh is spurned by his coworker crush, he sets out to enact a Nice Law in which gals will be legally required to date the guy who’s nicest to her. Josh is hailed as a hero by the friend zoned Nice Guys™ who finally get the girl of their dreams. But quickly he gets a taste of his own medicine when his law backfires and a homeless man named Chainsaw holds the door open for him. Legally bound to enter into a courtship and have sex with Chainsaw, Josh is confused and disgruntled, but has a necessary epiphany:
“I get it now. Just because I was nice to Rosa doesn’t mean she has to sleep with me. She has the right to sleep with or not sleep with whomever she wants. It’s up to her and I just have to live with it.”
If only all Nice Guys™ realized this.
When a Nice Guy™ feels like his “nice” behavior should be rewarded with a piece of ass, I’ll give him a piece of my mind instead. I was raised to be polite and kind to others, to respect and treat others as I would want to be treated. A genuine nice guy—and nice person—is kind without feeling entitled to anyone’s affections, and “is interested in women as people and not just bodies.” He is kind without expecting any sexual ROI or graduation from the mythical friend zone. Too bad there isn’t a creepy, unwanted man like Chainsaw lined up for each of these Nice Guys™.
Share your experiences with these Nice Guys™ below!